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merlin ❖ gwen ▸ curls curls curls

Master Post

Posted on 2020.04.21 at 19:09
Current Mood: pleasedpleased
This is a master post of all of the completed fic I have written as of March 27th, 2011. WIP are not on this list. Neither are comment-fics, they can be found under the comment-fic tag or under fandom-specific tags.

As long as someone, somewhere, is telling a story, the world goes on. - Parnassus (The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus)Collapse )

Eight fears.

1. Phones. This is a minor one that is fading into just a sort of mild dislike. It has to do entirely with calling people without making sure they know I'm calling them first. I have this weird anxiety that I'll be interrupting them when they're doing something important, that they won't want to talk to me, that they'll get mad at me for disturbing them.

2. Being numb. This plays into a larger one that I will talk about later, but having any part of my body not feel like it's part of my body TERRIFIES me. Mostly this means that when I get dental work done and have to be numbed I will chew on my own lips and push and punch myself in the face until I can feel it again.

3. Heights? Not...hm. I love heights and they scare me at the same time. That feeling when you're on a tall thing and you're tempted to jump off? I get that incredibly, incredibly strongly. And I'm scared I guess that one day I won't be paying enough attention to stop myself and remind myself I can't actually fly.

4. Disappointing the people I care about. My family, Chiara, my friends. This means not being there when they need me, not being good enough at making them happy, not living up to who they expect me to be.

5. Hypnosis. I have several friends who are hypnotists, and one friend who even uses it as a sex toy, and that scares the shit out of me. Again, it's playing into the larger one. But like. The idea that I might not be in control of my own mind and body, that I might be doing things that I'm not telling myself to do? Augh, jesus, horrifying.

6. Death. Or really...I'm not religious. I sort of agnostically believe in reincarnation, in terms of conservation of energy and the concept of soul, both of which make sense to me. So I'm not scared of what happens after death, because it's either nothing or I'll be someone/something else. But I'm scared of the pain attached, and I'm scared I'll die before I do all the things I want to do.

7. Being a writer. Which is weird, because it's the thing I want more than anything. But I'm scared that I'm not good enough to make any sort of living at it, I'm scared I'll end up working at some shitty job that slowly kills my muse, I'm scared I'll be hungry and poor and depressed because of it. So. Yeah.

8. Helplessness! This is the big one. Numbness plays into this, so does hypnosis, so does letting down my friends, so does death, even. Being helpless to do anything. Defend myself. Make myself happy. Fix something I've broken or fucked up. It scares me so, so much. I'm a small person, I'm not terribly strong (although I'm not horribly weak, either) and I've been seriously thinking about taking self-defense classes or some sort of martial art, both because it would be cool and because. When Chiara and I live together in NYC, we will be two women alone often probably late in the streets, and that is the set up for a lot of really horrifying situations that play into most of my fears.

Yup! Enemies, please don't use these against me.

merlin ❖ gwen ▸ curls curls curls

Day two

Posted on 2011.07.21 at 23:18

Nine loves? Like. Nine people that I love? I could do that. Or nine things that I love? Um.

I'm gonna guess people? So. If you're reading this and you're not on the list, that doesn't mean I don't love you! It's just these are the people that came to mind I guess? Sorry, sorry. I am awkward today.

1. Chiara wins this spot! Um. I've rambled on about her a lot, and it's all still true, and all of it will embarrass her, but. I'm caught between scared shitless and incredibly happy that our nine month anniversary is coming up. She kind of exemplifies everything that's been amazing about this last year, and means an insane amount to me, and makes me feel all ~fluttery and floating and all he stupid cliches. Yeah. She's coming to visit tomorrow! For ten whole days, she's all mine. Love love love.


2. Liam I guess? I've been hanging out with him kind of nonstop this week, it's been awesome. We've been close for over ten years now. I trust him so, so much. He lives in my house. He's basically a brother. I guess in the ways that matter we've grown up together.

3. Which brings me to my ACTUAL brother! His name is Zach. We are the best siblings. He looks far too much like me and I am in a lot of ways the typical younger sister - he teaches me both what not to do and, in the important things, what to do. I value our deep conversations incredibly, and I miss him so much when he's gone. Which is most of the time.

4. My mom. She's my mom. We never really had that disconnect that happens with teenagers. She's a close friend of mine, and taught me everything I know about empathy, compassion, and understanding. And faeries. All of the hippie bullshit I mentioned in the last entry I learned from her.

5. Speaking of that hippie bullshit: Roy. All of the hippie bullshit I actually have evidence for in my personal experience is tied to Roy. We are friends. Stupid-close friends. I want a word that means more than friends in a not-family, not-romantic way, because that's us. I don't even see him that often, but it doesn't matter. He's one of my very favorite people in the world.

6. I feel bad for skipping him, but I couldn't help but use that segue: My dad! Me and my dad are actually a lot more similar than me and my mom (surprise). He's the techie, the stagehand. He taught me the practical application of a foul mouth, and how to laugh even when surrounded by dangerous, electrified equipment. Also how to work hard and how to fucking make it work even when all you have is an outlet, some copper wire, and two nails. Also to appreciate fine alcohol.

7. Running out of spots on this list fast! Um. Tappy! She used to be my best friend, but. We've kind of grown apart. I just don't see her all that often (because she spent the last year avoiding me, along with everyone else) and I just. Augh. I miss her a lot, but when I actually see her it's not the same? I MISS WHO WE USED TO BE ANGST ANGST ANGST Whateverrrr I don't knowww

8. Page! She is, I'm gonna say, my best friend that I've made at school (although that's hard to say, because I've made a lot of lovely friends). I miss her terribly, but we keep...not skypeing, for some reason. Anyway. She basically lived in my bed last year. We've spent long nights talking about life and Lord of the Rings and Italy and she's great and I adore her. We geek about music a lot.

9. Uh um uh um who even gets this spot um QUINN. Quinn is a dear friend of mine, and the girl that I am writing my novel with. I also went to Italy with her last summer, for two weeks, which was an utterly incredible experience, terribly, awfully fun and excellent. I wandered through Venice with her and nearly passed out from art-exposure in Florence and wrote half a very silly musical about cartographers and it was just all-over very good. She's one of the most creative people I know. Her brain is always on. And...I get frustrated with her, sometimes, or disillusioned, but she's still one of my favorite people and I'm very comfortable with her.

AAAAH there are so many more! Colin and Raine and Rae and Julia and my aunt Lynne (who very nearly made this list) and my uncle Doug and my cousin Julie and so many who have strange, special places in my heart that they've carved out for themselves. I have so many people I love, but. There's. A cross-section, I guess? Yeah.

stock ❖ you know

I'm back.

Posted on 2011.07.20 at 23:48
Staff Week happened! And Advanced Camp! And everything was lovely, etc., etc., it's hot as balls (it is going to be ONE HUNDRED AND SEVEN on Friday, I will never leave my pool ever), I'm back to work. I came home to a car! That my parents found for three thousand dollars?? and I've been driving every day. Taking my test at the end of August. Yes, I know I'm the slowest ever.

Liam and I are (slowly) working our way through watching all the Harry Potter films. I've only seen the first three, ever, I think? So that should be fun. I've worked my way around from liking to hating to vaguely liking Harry Potter again. We'll see how long that lasts.

This weekend my brother and my girlfriend are roadtripping to see me! So that'll be super fun. Planning on taking her to Philly, some, and also just hanging out and playing videogames and swimming and relaxing, because we both need it. also our nine-month anniversary is coming up and that kind of scares me shitless

Anyway, because I don't actually have anything interesting to say, here's a meme stolen from Chie.

This is hard! I don't really have very many secrets. Most of the ones I DO have are pretty silly?

1. I never learned to ride a bicycle.
2. I am incredibly jealous, but only over a vey specific person interacting with some very specific people. Otherwise I don't give a fuck.
3. I believe, at least partially, a whole lot of hippie bullshit. Mostly because I was raised on it.
4. I am really weirdly reluctant to call myself a lesbian, despite all evidence in that direction. I suppose this could be internalized homophobia, but I don't think so. I just. I like the idea of having sex with men. Just not any actual men that I know. Or see pictures of. Also I don't even like the idea that much.
5. Sometimes I read fic for things that I hate/are terrible, just to see if any of it is good. Like Glee. Or High School Musical.
6. This one relates to the jealousy thing! (and also the text conversation I'm having while I type this.) I used to think I was polyamorous, and maybe I still am and I just happen to only be in love with one person. But. I have ridiculous guilt over being jealous. Like. It's so against who I thought I was for so long. Which sounds so stupid and angsty considering that I am twenty and have been in a grand total of three relationships in my life. But.
7. I act like I'm a lot more culturally savvy than I am. I'm a cultural idiot. What are bands? What are movies? I know nooothingg.
8. I CRY STUPID EASY. Only since last fall, though, when Chiara managed to make me okay with crying in front of her and subsequently in front of anyone, anywhere, for any reason. I haaate it.
9. I suck balls at punctuating dialogue.
10. When I was in seventh grade I lied about having a crush on a boy because everyone thought I did and I'd never really had a crush on a boy. (COUGH COUGH LESBIAN COUGH). There was enormous, hilarious dramatic fallout from it. He's now one of my best friends and he lives in my house. Even he doesn't know that my crush was something I made up. LALALA

I know, not very interesting secrets. Whatever.


So the thing that stands out to me most about Criminal Minds, besides the incredible, incredible way they handle other cultures, ideas, and concepts (as in: anything not straight, white, Christian, cis and American, although they haven't (probably wisely) really tackled anything to do with gender) are the characters. And I could ramble about characters all day. And I have my own interpretations of all of them? Especially the way they feel about each other, etc. So I'm gonna write up my headcanons I think! And post 'em over the next few days while editing/writing this fic that I promise is actually happening.

So, um. This is sort of kind of in order of favorites? But I love them all so much that the gaps between them are infinitesimal.

Aaron HotchnerCollapse )

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